Eulogy for my mother, Lynne

I think you always envision how your parents might leave you. How old they will be, what circumstances will occur, how you will react. Never in a thousand years did I think Mom would go at 74, and with no warning. That was not her plan, and she always executed on her plans.

She was planning for a magical, epic summer of fun for Leo. For those who don’t know my mother was really his coparent. She was with him two days a week at my house from the start, and summers he was spending here at “Nana camp”. She was orchestrating a ten year (or more) plan with him to have summers with her, with me travelling back to DC a few days weekly to work. But it was her time to shine with him. They have always had a very special connection, different than the one he and I have. She could wrangle him better than anyone…we joked it was their shared Taurus energy. They played for hours and joked and talked non stop as they are both chatterboxes. She was his Nintendo buddy, squawking and squealing and conspiring for his success. I knew exactly what she was doing in giving him summers here with her. She was building exactly the kind of relationship with him she had built with me, the incredible intimacy and nuance. She was giving us both the full depth of her love in her last chapter, so that when she did leave us we would have enough magical memories and love with her to last the rest of our lives, and we could console each other in her absence. She was brilliant at many things, but relationship building was top of the list.

Her last day was a perfect one. I woke up with Leo at the house with Graham’s arrival. She was an utter goofball with kids and we all started the day laughing. We played in the pool (she played and I watched mostly) and she taught Leo to swim in the deep end all by himself. We sat side by side and I said God this is so great, I couldn’t give it up if anything happened to you. Annoyed at the idea, she said well I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon. Annalise joined us and we all had pizza outside. Then we had a big Nintendo break and played Dance Revolution. She was cracking the kids up with her dancing and everyone was laughing, I mean real belly laughs. Then my brother and Lillian joined us and we all got back into the pool. My brother was challenging the kids through obstacles as they jumped into the water and it was hilarious and we all laughed. She was extremely happy, and at her best.

We planned on Leo Graham Brandon my mom and I to go the carnival that night. So we all took showers, and Mom and I took Leo to Chik fil A for a quick bite. She said she didn’t feel well and drove home, and I met Brandon at the carnival. Mom came home, sat down in her chair with her glasses and iPad, and had a catastrophic heart event. She didn’t even get out of her chair. I’m positive she tried as hard as she could to stay, and she would’ve if she could’ve.

God gave me the greatest gift in the world when he gave me to my mother. It was her life’s ambition to be one. My dad would joke that they forgot to cut the umbilical cord when I was born, and I felt that. We were deeply connected at all times, intuitively and on a gut level. I knew what she was feeling halfway across the world. Everyone knew my mother loved her children and grandchildren, she was very vocal about it. What I want to make clear now is how much I loved her.

Every day of my 47 years has been interwoven with hers. We were exceptionally close. Her love was like the sun, and I basked in it my entire life. Bright, hot, powerful, clear. When I was five and scared of first day of kindergarden she took me to sleep in a hotel the night before to distract me because I loved them. She dressed me in adorable outfits like a doll, because she believed in the sacredness of stuff. Clothes for her store, shoes, a blanket, a certain cookie all held deep meaning for her as symbols of her love.

When I was in plays in high school she watched every single performance ever and I could see her smilng face in the audience above everyone else. We would eat donuts after and discuss the night’s performance for hours, every time.

She gave us everything she possibly could. She ran her store alone, took care of us alone, took care of everyone alone. She was a quiet powerhouse. She climbed mountains for us. She made the impossible possible. She created order from chaos. She had tons of energy and didn’t let anything stand in the way of what she wanted to achieve. With her by my side there was nothing I couldn’t do. I moved to LA to be an actress with her help. I moved to London with her help. She directed me to study esthetics when I was lost. I had a child alone, with her help. She literally cut his umbilical cord. All of these things I was able to do because not only did she help me logistically, but I knew with her I could not fail. She found my house and helped me settle on it. She found the new office, negotiated the lease and spent six months of infuriating daily visits to the DCRA to get us into it while helping me with an infant. She got the business through Covid, handled every loan and grant. She handled the back end of the business wholly for ten years, and talked with me daily about it in the most intimate of terms. And then with Leo, she was doing what she did best, which is build profound, deeply intimate, rock solid relationships and memories. Above all you knew my mother could be counted on, always.

We were a perfect team, even when we disagreed. She allowed me to dream, she supported my visions as an anchor and this allowed me to fly. Daily I would think about this, my secret immeasurable gratitude, as I walked between my beautiful house, my beautiful office, and my beautiful child. I told her thank you, but I’m not sure she ever really heard me or believed me, and I wish I had showed her more. I soaked up her love every single day of my life.

We are the same, but different…I am more creative and abstract, her more analytical and grounded. But I think I can say my best qualities are a direct result of her. My mother was a truly authentic, caring, generous, funny, kind, fiercely loyal person. She knew literally everything about me, I kept not one secret from her my entire life. Being so close with her was easy. She was such a devoted giver, but I loved her for more than what she gave. I loved her spirit, and I feel that spirit in every cell of my body. Her love was - and is - as immense as the universe.

She would not be happy to not be here, as she still had so much to give. But mom I want to assure you, you did enough. You used every second here to the fullest, and I promise you I will feel your presence within me until I see you again. Leo will know continue to know you deeply. In just six years you’ve impacted his life so greatly, he has known such a true love for and from you it will live in us both forever, in his foundation. And I promise he will continue to know you as I do, and love you as I do. I will do my best to love him not only the way I do, but the way you did as well. I will proudly carry you with me in everything I do, and I feel like that is your final gift to me, the clarity of your vision. I am still being guided by you. This is my time to thank you for everything you have given me, and make good on the roots you planted. I promise you I will do my very best. You are still by my side, and with you there I can not fail.

You have filled in my gaps my entire life, and I can’t thank you enough for that. You are half of me, you are the reference point for every single moment of my life. I promise you in your absence I will do my best to fully be my mother’s daughter now, and to make every dream you had for us in the next ten, twenty years come true. Mommy you did a great job, and I have always known I am the luckiest daughter in the world because I am yours. I love you I love you I love you I love you. Leo and I will be giving you sweet snuggles and butterfly kisses every night until we see you again. Sleep well, you deserve it.